Normal, I Think
by Kuko-chan
Summary: Sora's having a hard time distinguishing what's normal after returning to Destiny Island with the others. And now Riku's thinking of leaving. Oneshot postKH2. RxS


Pre-note: Don't like shonen-ai? Bugger off. Also, no Kairi-bashing here. She's a good guy for once.

Normal, I Think

Kuko-chan

How could anything possibly be the same anymore, after everything we've been through?

We've seen and done things no teenager should have to go through. Most kids our age have to deal with school stress, dating, maybe at the very worst, facial acne. But how many have to deal with battling darkness, or watching their best friend disappear, or be faced with the possibility that your next moment may be your last?

We did. The three of us.

How could we ever go back to being normal ever again?

There's just no way.

Yet somehow, I bare a smile through it all. Sometimes, it's just so hard being optimistic. Everyone thinks I'm the most cheerful guy in the universe, nothing can bring me down, I could smile in the face of pure evil. But I'm just so tired of the charade. I can't keep it up anymore. I'm not the naïve innocent boy I was when I first left Destiny Islands. I've changed. We all have. Some for the better… Some for the worse.

Riku's got it worst. I can see it in his eyes every time I see him. The remorse, the guilt, the pain. He thinks he caused all those bad things to happen. He thinks he's still evil to this day – that the darkness is still lurking in him waiting to spring out. But then again, we all have darkness in us; it's just a matter of keeping it under control. But he thinks he lacks that control, all because he let the darkness consume him once before.

I wish I could convince him otherwise. I hate seeing his pain-filled eyes. I hate remembering how he had a blindfold to cover those eyes from himself, to hide the truth of what he had become, to make it all go away.

But none of it will go away. Ever.

Nothing will ever be the same.

Being back on the Destiny Islands feels so surreal. I thought I'd never see this place again. But at the same time, it feels fake, like someone is mocking me with its beautiful landscape and lush environment. It's like someone is saying "This is what you had, but it doesn't feel the same anymore, does it?" I love and hate being here. Part of me wishes to stay here forever and just forget about everything I went through.

But another part of me wants to leave and keep moving; don't let my past catch up, gotta keep moving, never stop moving.

I'm jolted out of my morbid thoughts by someone standing above me. I remember where I am – on the beach, my usual lounging spot. I jump up to see Kairi smiling down at me. For a moment, it felt like I was staring at a stranger. And then suddenly, this scene felt all too familiar, like a déjà vu.

"Hey Sora, I saw you from up in the tree house," she says cheerfully with her hands clasped behind her back. Her words sound distant, as if my ears are plugged or she's speaking from across the island.

I force another one of my happy smiles and reply "Is that so? Come to watch the clouds with me?" Her smile fades somewhat, as does mine. She knows I'm faking it. Soon, her smile's gone forever.

"It's not the same, is it?" she whispers. My smile disappears, replaced by a sad expression.

"No…" I take an interest in the grains of sand beneath my shoes. I'm dimly aware of her taking a seat next to me.

"Will things ever be normal again?" What is normal anymore? What a vague question…

"I don't know, Kairi…" It seems like all my energy went into that last adventure and I had none left now. All that time I was searching for Riku, never giving up hope, always wearing a smile, facing off with countless Heartless and unbeatable odds, and now… I'm empty. I have nothing left to be hopeful about. Riku is back, Kairi is safe, no more Organization.

I have no purpose left.

"Have you seen Riku today?" says that tiny voice, reminding me yet again I wasn't alone.

"No…"

"Please go see him." I give her a look that says 'Why?' but she simply looks at me sadly. Something's up. It's clear she doesn't know all the details, but she knows something's up and she wants me to sort it out. I nod numbly and get up, as if on automatic. I don't have to ask where he is, I just know. He's on the other side of the island, sitting on that bent paopu tree trunk, probably mentally beating himself up.

Just as I predict, there he is. The sun's setting. He's just… staring off into the distance along the horizon. I note quietly to myself that at this rate, he'll go blind the way he's staring at the sun. But then, maybe that's his intention, so he won't have to see his own anguished eyes in the mirror anymore.

"Riku…" I call, hoping to draw his attention away from the blazing sun sinking beneath the ocean line. And it works.

"Finally up and about?" he jokes. I smile; this one feels a little more real than the ones I've been throwing on lately. He has a way of making me do that sometimes.

"You hoping to go blind?" I ask bluntly, forgetting to put humor in my voice to let him know I'm only kidding. He gets it anyway and smirks.

"Maybe…" I hop onto the trunk beside him and watch the last of the golden disc disappear beneath the waves for another day, leaving the sky a crimson red gradient.

"So… you've been doing some thinking?" That's all we've been doing since we got back, the three of us. Thinking and sharing thoughts. At least that's one good thing that's come out of this whole ordeal. We're closer now than ever before.

Riku nods. "I've been thinking about…" He trails off and turns away. Oh no. I'm not letting him become reclusive.

"Don't shut me out, Riku." He looks at me carefully, as if trying to decide if I could handle what he's about to tell me, so I put on a determined face to show him I mean business.

"I've been thinking… about leaving." This news hits me like a ton of bricks.

"L-leaving? Why?" I try to keep my voice level and calm, but I'm failing. I can feel panic rising in my chest. He wants to leave!

"I just can't deal with this anymore," he says as he throws his arms up and around to indicate not just Destiny Island, but existence as a whole. He can't handle any of it.

"No, you can't leave us, please!" I'm having a hard time controlling that panic inside me. "Not after I spent months look for you!"

"You don't understand, Sora, I can't handle this. How can you and Kairi stand to be around me after everything I put you through?" He's looking me in the eye now. He wants me to understand, but I just can't.

"We've been over this, Riku. Kairi forgives you, I forgive you. No one is holding _anything_ against you except _you_!"

"I tried to kill you, Sora! Several times!"

"You were being manipulated! It wasn't your fault!" I'm shaking now. He's got his mind made up. Nothing I'm saying is working. He's going to leave us!

"You don't know what it's like, being a shadow inside your own body! I've had countless nightmares since then. I've had dreams where I've murdered you. Do you have any idea what that feels like?" I'm taken aback. He never mentioned these dreams before.

"I would if you'd tell me! And I do have an idea of what it's like to be a shadow. Remember right after I revived Kairi, I was a Heartless." I shiver just thinking about the experience. "It was cold… and lonely. And it was damn hard just trying to keep a hold of my humanity." I pause, taking a breath. "It was the most frightening experience in my life. I thought I'd never be whole again." Riku shakes his head.

"This was different. I was a prisoner in my own body and yet I was in total control. It was me, but at the same time, it was Ansem. He's still there, just waiting for another opportunity to force me into the darkness. And when that happens, I don't want to be around you and Kairi. I don't want to hurt you two."

And that triggers it. I hadn't noticed earlier, but tears were pooling in my eyes and now they were finally spilling over. I try to respond, but my throat resists and for a moment, I'm sure I can't breathe.

Somehow, I knew everything he told me was true, that he felt that way for quite some time, but I thought things were getting better. I thought he was getting over it. But I guess things really never will be the same again.

I just can't bare the thought of him leaving us. Leaving me… These tears are more than just friendship-loss tears. I really care about him. And I'm not ready to lose him after spending so much time looking for him. He's my pillar of strength. He and Kairi are the only two keeping me sane these days. But this is more intense than the time I found Kairi. These feelings are stronger than when she and I were separated by the darkness – her, safe on the island and me, somewhere near Kingdom Hearts.

This is something else. Something I'm not prepared to admit just yet.

"Sora," Riku steps closer and wipes away a few tears. His fingers cause me to shiver. Or maybe it's just the wind… "Don't make this any harder than it already is." I want to laugh bitterly or scream, but I can't. My voice is choked up in my throat and all I can manage to do is sob and whine like a three-year-old throwing a tantrum.

"How can I make this any worse than it already is?" I ask between sobs and hiccups. I can see emotion swirling around his eyes. He looks as though his heart is about to break with grief.

Without another word, he pulls me into a hug. The mere action makes me break down. The weight of everything that's happened in the last two years comes crashing down around me. I bury my face into his shoulder, trying to muffle my pain, but it fails. Without him anchoring me to reality, who knows what will happen to my mental health? I can hear him murmuring words of apology in my ear as I repeat over and over again "Don't go, please don't go…" But it seems like nothing will change his mind.

And then, my brain has an epiphany; it's finally able to comprehend the thoughts and emotions I'm feeling.

In one sentence, I'm able to articulate what apparently I've been dying to say for the last year and a half, ever since I saw him on the other side of the door to darkness, when I thought I'd never see him again.

"I love you!" I gasp, gripping the back of his shirt tightly. I feel him stiffen with shock at my words. It's difficult to tell if he truly understands which kind of love I'm speaking of. This is more than friendship love; this is even stronger than brotherly love.

I truly, whole-heartedly love him.

And now I've screwed everything up by speaking before thinking. If he was unsure about leaving before, he'll most likely want to leave now. I didn't even take into consideration the fact that he might not feel the same or even that this whole love thing was unusual. But now that I've said the words and there's no taking them back, I've just created a whole new situation for him to deal with.

Stupid, stupid Sora.

It feels like a lifetime later when I feel any kind of response. He moves slightly and actually hugs me tighter. I look up cautiously at his face. For a moment, he's unreadable. But then his face softens. He smiles at me. He's smiling! That's a good sign.

"You love me?" he asks quietly. Sniffing, I nod, unsure of his motives. "Then what are you gonna do about it?" He raises an eyebrow in a sneaky sort of way. Okay, now I'm confused. Is he… egging me on? I think for a few seconds before deciding on my course of action.

"This." Getting on the tips of my toes, I place a light, feathery kiss on his lips. It's only a moment, but after it's over, I'm sure my face is as red as the sky. Riku just stands there with his eyes shut.

"You've convinced me…" he whispers, opening his eyes slowly. "I'll stay…" I break into a wide grin.

"Serious!" He grins wickedly at me.

"As long as I get more kisses like that, I think it might be enough to keep the darkness at bay." I can't help but laugh hysterically in relief. It feels as though someone removed a huge weight off my shoulders. Riku's staying! And it would appear he has the same feelings for me that I do for him. But I have to be sure of one thing.

"Please tell me again." My eyes plead with him. I need to for sure. Call me insecure, but I need to hear the words. "You'll never leave?" He smiles as he places his forehead against mine.

"I'll never leave you." He kisses me gently. "I love you." He pulls away to look me in the eye. "And do me a favor."

"Anything."

"Smile like that more often. It reminds me that we're actually happy to be here." I smile a true smile for him.

"Anything for you."

We walk back to the other side of the island hand in hand to meet Kairi. She beams when she sees us, eying our interlinked hands. I'm relieved to see she's taking this well. She seems overjoyed to see Riku and I together.

"Just what happened while you two were over there?" she asks with a knowing smile. Riku and I exchange glances and I decide to be the one to answer.

"Things just became a new sort of normal, I think."

fin

A/N: So? Good, bad, ugly? Leave a review!

I was inspired to write this because I just couldn't buy the fact that three teenagers return home from a trying and traumatic experience completely unaffected by the horrors they witness. It's just not possible! There has to be some kind of reaction and psychological damage. This story is in no way a closure for their pains. The trauma of their time away will always be with them. This is just meant to end with the note that eventually, they'll be okay. They don't have to fake their happiness anymore. Riku and Sora have one another and Kairi is happy for them. They still have future hardships to deal with. But that would be for another story.


End file.
